The Wizard of Odd
by Sweet Jane
Summary: Snape is forced to direct the 5th years from Gryffindor and Slytherin in the musical *The Wizard of Oz.* No one is happy, least of all the Head Flying Monkey.
1. We're Off to See the Wizard

A/N I'm completely ignoring Snape's departure at the end of GoF. This is just a silly piece. Oh, and I own none of this. And let me know what you think!  
  
"I'm sorry, Albus, I don't believe I heard you correctly. Did you just tell me that I will be co-directing the 5th year play with Professor Trelawney?" Severus Snape gritted out to the man in front of him.  
  
"Yes, Severus, that is correct." Albus Dumbledore stated calmly, though he was obviously trying to keep down a smile.  
  
"Then, did you also just tell me we would be doing that ridiculous Muggle play, 'The *cough* Wizard of Oz?'"  
  
"Oh, yes, Severus, but you needn't worry. Sybill has already cast all the parts. Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff will be doing their own production, so you will only be working with the 5th years from your own house, as well as those in Gryffindor. We need to boost morale, so I thought a nice, old-fashioned pageant might be in order!" Professor Snape could see the white hair that rested on Dumbledore's shoulders rising and falling a little. He knew he was being laughed at, but this was his employer and the man who had trusted him when no one else would. But Severus still couldn't bring himself to be polite.  
  
"Yes, Albus, because a musical piece of tripe is going to erase the pain and fear of last year. And why do I have to be involved in this?"  
  
Dumbledore looked sternly over his half-moon glasses at Professor Snape, "Please don't think I haven't noticed the way you treat those students not of your house. In this setting, you can get to know the students a little more. You will be working closely with some students of whom I feel you need a better understanding."  
  
Snape could only stare at Dumbledore open-mouthed. He made a rather comical picture with his intimidating black robes and long, black hair soften by the dumbstruck look on his face.  
  
"Here is the cast list. Sybill would like you to review it before she posts it tomorrow morning. Good day, Severus." With that, Dumbledore left Snape's office quickly. Snape could hear him giggling to himself down the hallway.  
  
Snape glanced down at the list in his hands. "Well," he thought, "I can think of at least three Gryffindors who will be as unhappy to be cast as I am to be directing."  
  
Snape smiled his first real smile since Dumbledore had entered his office. It was a nasty smile.  
  
*****  
  
Ron Weasley discovered the list first, posted inside the Gryffindor common room. He'd gotten up early because he had had too much pumpkin juice the night before and really needed to use the loo. He was glad that he had already been to the bathroom when he saw the list, because otherwise, he would have wet himself right there. He ran up to wake his best friend, Harry Potter, to show him the horrifying document he had just discovered.  
  
Harry groggily put his glasses on and padded downstairs after Ron. "This had better be good," thought Harry, "I was having that Cho-flying- into-my-dorm-room-wearing-nothing-but-her-Quidditch-robes dream again."  
  
Once he reached the list, however, all thoughts of Cho, nudity, and broomsticks went out of his head. His scream woke Hermione, as well as the rest of the Gryffindors. They all stood there staring at the sign.  
  
FIFTH YEARS ARE REQUIRED TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS YEAR'S PLAY  
  
The Wizard of Oz  
  
CAST:  
  
Dorothy: Hermione Granger  
  
The Wicked Witch of the West: Pansy Parkinson  
  
The Scarecrow: Harry Potter  
  
The Tinman: Ronald Weasley  
  
The Cowardly Lion: Neville Longbottom  
  
Glenda the Good Witch: Lavender Brown  
  
The Wizard: Seamus Finnigan  
  
The Head Flying Monkey: Draco Malfoy  
  
Toto: Vincent Crabbe  
  
Mayor of Munchkin Land: Gregory Goyle  
  
Wicked Witch of the East: Millicent Bulstrode  
  
All other students will fill in as assorted Munchkins, flying monkeys and other necessary characters 


	2. The Wonderful Wizard of Odd

Professor Trelawney looked mistily at the assembled 5th years. As was her special talent, she was ignoring the evil glare the students were giving her in return, and was instead giving the details of the play as if they were all as excited about it as she was.  
  
"This is a wonderful musical. I find the Muggle view of magic so fascinating. They really have no clue, do they? Ahh, but some of you will not know the plot. Your own Professor Snape didn't know it until he read it this afternoon. I trust he was as enchanted as I was."  
  
Snape looked anything but enchanted. Full of rage, yes. Homicidal, yes. Enchanted, no.  
  
Professor Trelawney seemed to notice this, and so quickly cleared her throat and continued. In this story, a young Muggle girl named Dorothy is transported to a magical world and must defeat and evil witch with the help of three new friends. I have chosen Miss Granger to play Dorothy because I felt she best exemplified the Muggle ignorance and inability to comprehend magic."  
  
Hermione gasped in outrage and muttered to Ron, "If this is how she's going to treat me, I'll show that crazy old bat the "Muggle comprehension" of the Twitchy Ears Hex!"  
  
Professor Trelawney continued, "Professor Snape will be acting as musical director, since I, myself, have little musical talent. My talent lies in my ability to foresee where the actors should be and how they should act. I feel we should start off with the music, since that's going to be the hardest part."  
  
Harry raised his hand, "But Professor Trelawney, I can't sing!"  
  
Hermione and Ron said in unison, "Neither can I!"  
  
The rest of the cast members all chimed in, inharmoniously, to add that they too could not sing.  
  
"Can anyone here sing?" asked Professor Snape nastily.  
  
Goyle started to raise his hand, but Malfoy quickly slapped it down. "He means can anyone sing something besides 'My Ding-a-Ling,' Goyle!"  
  
"Well, in that case, Professor Snape, why don't you work with a few of the leads on the left side of the stage, and I'll work on some blocking on the right side of the stage."  
  
The rehearsal just went downhill from there. Snape, who delighted in humiliating Harry at any opportunity, wanted to work on Harry's solo.  
  
"I would not be such a nothin', my head all full of stuffin'..." Harry warbled in a voice that sounded like it could raise the dead.  
  
"Stop, stop, stop," yelled Snape, "In addition to being completely tone-deaf, you seem to lack any sense of rhythm. Take it from 'nothin''."  
  
Snape nodded to Ginny Weasley, who had agreed to play piano at rehearsals in lieu of appearing in the 4th year production of "Hogwarts: A History Comes Alive."  
  
The music started up again, "I would not be such a nothin', my head all full of stuffin'."  
  
"Start again, Mr. Potter," snapped Snape.  
  
"I would not be such a nothin', my head all full of stuffin'."  
  
"Again!"  
  
"I would not be such a nothin', my head all full of stuffin'."  
  
"Again!"  
  
Harry suddenly realized that Snape was enjoying hearing him remark on his own stupidity over and over again.  
  
"Professor, why don't you sing it to me, so I can see how it's done properly?" Harry asked in what he hoped was a polite manner.  
  
Snape almost fell for it, but realized the folly of singing about his own head being "full of stuffin'" in front of his students.  
  
"Let's move on to the next part of the song."  
  
Hermione wasn't doing much better on her side of the stage. Professor Trelawney had just told her that her acting resembled a piece of wood and too make matters worse, Crabbe was getting far too into his part.  
  
"Professor, Crabbe *bit* me again! Could you please make him stop??"  
  
"Please, Miss Granger, keep your mind on the task at hand. You're a young farm girl and you're very upset that somebody has been mean to your precious dog. Remember, you adore Toto. So please stop looking at him in revulsion. Start again."  
  
Hermione looked down at her script and read rather stiffly, "She isn't coming yet, Toto. Did she hurt you? She tried to, didn't she?" She bent down to scratch Goyle behind the ear, and he licked her face.  
  
Hermione shrieked and fell back into a piece of old set lying at the back of the stage. Malfoy started laughing and couldn't seem to stop. Things only got worse when Snape suddenly yelled, "Potter, it doesn't MATTER what a 'ding-a-derry' is, just sing!!!!!" 


	3. We Hear He Is A Whiz Of A Wiz

About 2 hours into the rehearsal, Draco began to realize that his part wasn't all he thought it would be.  
  
"You mean, I'm an actual *monkey* that *flies*?" He sneered at Professor Trelawney.  
  
"Well, yes, but you are the Head Flying Monkey. That's a very important roll!! You're the one that actually captures Dorothy and brings her to the castle." Professor Trelawney seemed to be trying to be a good spin on things.  
  
"All the script calls for me to do it drag my knuckles and hop around and grunt. It is beneath me to act that way!" Draco ranted.  
  
"It's not beneath your two friends, Malfoy," said Harry pointing towards Crabbe, who was scratching his rear and staring at the ceiling and Goyle who was picking his nose absent-mindedly.  
  
"Shut up, Straw Head. Why don't you sing your little song for us again?" Malfoy retorted before stalking off to his distracted friends.  
  
Harry had finally been released from his fiendish music lesson with Snape. Unfortunately for her and everyone in the room, Hermione became his next victim. She was shrieking out the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in a way that reminded Harry strongly Crookshanks when someone had just stepped on his tail.  
  
"Miss Granger, I am told this is one of the most well-known songs in the Muggle word. How on earth you are managing to mangle it this much is beyond me. Please step down." And with those words, Professor Snape took the stage.  
  
"This is how it's supposed to sound, Miss Granger." Snape nodded to Ginny, who had realized what was about to happen and had to hold back a grin when she started playing.  
  
Snape, in all his dark and glooming glory, was standing on stage and singing. With the first note, the entire cast turned to watch, wide-eyed.  
  
"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby." The laughing started very quietly. Nobody actually wanted Snape to hear them for fear of punishment.  
  
"Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true." The laughter was reaching a dull roar at this point, but Snape did not seem to notice. In fact, as he continued, he closed his eyes and slowly began to sway with the music, his dark cloak swirling around his feet as he moved.  
  
"Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me. Where troubles melt like lemon drops."  
  
He could not, however, ignore Malfoy's guffaw. Snape's eyes snapped open, and he looked at the amusement written on the face of every student assembled.  
  
"Why, Professor Snape," cooed Professor Trelawney, "I had not idea you could sing like that! I think I'll talk to Dumbledore about having a Professors only section of the performance!!"  
  
Snape was horrified at what he had done. His glower returned to his face, and he moved his dark greasy hair in front of his eyes, but it wasn't enough to hide the red blush staining his cheeks.  
  
"This rehearsal is over!" he shouted over the continuing laughter. Harry was doubled over and clutching his stomach. He knew he'd probably have detention for a month for laughing like he was, but what he'd just seen was worth it.  
  
As Snape stormed out of the room, he could hear the students mimicking behind him "Where troooouuubllles melt like LLLLlleeemmmoon drrrrrrops."  
  
Snape mentally kicked himself. It didn't matter that he had secretly watched the Muggle movie the Wizard of Oz hundreds of times and had posters of Judy Garland all over his room; he must never let the student suspect anything! 


	4. If Ever A Wiz There Was

After an interminable length of time, the rehearsal finally ended. The cast and directors wearily headed to the Great Hall for dinner. Only Ginny seemed in good spirits. She had spent the evening watching everybody else make fools of them while she stayed behind the safety of the piano.  
  
When they reached the Great Hall, the students began to separate to their different tables, and the two directors went forward to the head table. Everyone in the Hall seemed much worn out. The 7th years from Gryffindor were putting on a Transfiguration Parade for the pageant, and a few of them were still sporting feathers and extra limbs.  
  
Ginny regretted her distraction a moment later when she realized most of the seats at the Gryffindor table were taken up, except for a few down by.  
  
"Ginny, Ginny, come sit by me!" Colin Creve shouted, even though she was only a few feet away. Colin seemed to have a bit of a crush on her which made her very uncomfortable, but she couldn't see being meant to him. She threw a pleading look down to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, but they were too caught up in the misery of the day to pay any attention to her.  
  
"Hey, Colin," smiled Ginny, "How's your play going?"  
  
"Oh, good, good," said Colin, "I get to play Goodrich Gryffindor, you know!" There was a distinct note of pride in his voice.  
  
Ginny did know, that was one of the reasons she didn't want to be in "Hogwarts: A History Comes Alive." First of all, it was an incredibly stupid show, but also, she had been cast as Rowena Raven claw, the founder of Raven claw house, and also the woman who most people (including the play's authors) assumed to be Gryffindor true love. Ginny tended to look on that "true love among the houses" stuff as complete crap. She had a strong suspicion that the founding of Hogwarts had involved a lot of magic, hard work, and a lot of really intense boink-fests.  
  
"How's your play going?" asked Colin.  
  
"Well, it's..it's a bit ambitious, I think."  
  
"That's putting it mildly," Snape said, passing behind her table on his way back from reprimanding some student.  
  
Snape smiled as he saw the Weasley girl nearly jump out of her skin. Scaring the life out of students was one of his greatest pleasures. Besides the Wizard of Oz, of course.  
  
He slowly made his way back up to the head table. Professor Trelawney had managed to take a seat right next to him, and had insisted on chattering on about every detail of this travesty of a play. Snape was really regretting that he hadn't managed to perfect his Mouth Sealing Solution yet. It would have done the trick, but it still had a few bugs. For one thing, it lasted for 24 hours. And for another, it was so potent that one touch on human skin caused a person's lips to seal shut instantly. The effect could be very distressing. But as Professor Trelawney continued on, he really did wish he had brought the potion. If she would just be quiet, then Snape could return to his usual daydream in which Dorothy gives him the ruby slippers before she goes back to Kansas.  
  
"Sybill," Snape said suddenly as inspiration struck, "I have a question for you."  
  
"Yes, Severus?" said Professor Trelawney, startled at the interruption of her monologue.  
  
"I've been meaning to ask why so few of my students received large parts in the show. Only one Slytherin has a lead, and she is the villain." He thought this would shut her up. She obviously couldn't admit that she preferred the Gryffindors over the Slytherins. That would not be in her nature. She surprised him, however,  
  
"Severus, as a performer, you must be aware of the aesthetic importance of a performance like this. You also must be aware that your group of students," her hand swept in the direction of the Slytherin table, "are the not the most aesthetically pleasing groups ever assembled."  
  
Snape had never really considered the attractiveness of his students before. He looked at the Slytherin table, and there, as plain as day, he saw it all. The misaligned teeth that stuck out of almost all of their mouths, the crooked and oversized noses, the brow ridges that made most of his students, male and female, resemble a Neanderthal. And they all looked a bit inbred. Even Draco, who was supposed to be a handsome boy, was so self-assured and unctuous that he seemed to be covered in a layer of oil. By comparison, the Gryffindors looked like a table of models.  
  
"I've always suspected," said Professor Trelawney, "That the Sorting Hat has a very strong sense of humor."  
  
Snape simply put his head in his hands  
  
A/N Sorry this chapter isn't as silly as the last, but I needed to set up some plot stuff before I could move on. 


End file.
